AntiSocial Social Commentator (talldan) wrote in 5_cents,
AntiSocial Social Commentator
talldan
5_cents

Rantiness

I think I lack long term planning ability. Not in the whole "I have ADD/ ADHD" way. None of that.

I basically don't have dreams or plans (something I think I've repeatedly covered, if I 'm not mistaken). Okie, so going into the Past a bit, virtually every hope, plan or want that I had for the Future (read: now) was smashed into little pieces around the time I shared them vocally with others. I think this is also why I doubt my opinion. I used to have opinions. Then instead of "Well, I disagree. Here's a reason why.", there was an outburst of violence (if you're new to my LJ, this happened fairly regularly. I called it going to school.).

So, I was sitting around saying "Wow. No art stores around, and Michael's SUCKS. I think there would be a market for it!" and then I saw one. So I shut up about it.
"Some day, I'd like to buy land." Considering there's no WAY I could even afford RENT on half the places wround town right now, as I am in a sucky job, and doing it poorly, I don't think we'll be moving into a mansion in the hills anytime soon. Shut up again.

That's actually the point. I've ended up HERE. I wasted so much time being a victim. I wasted so much energy getting back up and still not moving because I was afraid AFTER being a victim, that now that life is evening out and I'm getting some good movement, most of the gas has been used.

Now when I look @ life, I just kinda shrug and say I KNOW how this is gonna turn out ( kinda like this: http://www.pvponline.com/archive.php3?archive=20050203 ).

I usually can sum it up as "I'm being as N as I can when I'm a very small box."

When it comes to this, I know I've made good progress. Not GREAT, but hey, not so bad either.I am pretty far off from where I would be if I had any goals, or that kinda cutthroat ambition you see in humanity today.

I need ambition. I need to make a goal beyond a month or so. I need to have said goal succeed.Something tangible on both sides of the issue- I have to MAKE it something that is real, and it has to give something back to me beyond "feeling good". Because that's a cop out. And when it comes to a real goal, trying ISN'T all, in my book. Yes, it does matter in the long run to say "well, we tried.", and mean it- however in the longer run, it means more to try and succeed.
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