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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in The Doctor is IN's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, June 8th, 2016
11:49 pm
How to
assign value to security when measuring the worth of change and love?
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
12:43 pm

Long talk about Confidence on cruise. Need some for getting out of bottom feeder job.Also about how I rarely finish a picture since I just do them, and stop before they're finished, because... I have no reason to keep improving on them.
Job said I need more "Presence" on the job and appear to have everything under control. I HAVE everything under control and mostly work on my own and handle more than they know.
Private assessment from old Sup. wa that I need deciciveness, more confidence, and am overly diplomatic (trying to solve for both sides being happy).
Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
1:19 am
I think I lack long term planning ability. Not in the whole "I have ADD/ ADHD" way. None of that.

I basically don't have dreams or plans (something I think I've repeatedly covered, if I 'm not mistaken). Okie, so going into the Past a bit, virtually every hope, plan or want that I had for the Future (read: now) was smashed into little pieces around the time I shared them vocally with others. I think this is also why I doubt my opinion. I used to have opinions. Then instead of "Well, I disagree. Here's a reason why.", there was an outburst of violence (if you're new to my LJ, this happened fairly regularly. I called it going to school.).

So, I was sitting around saying "Wow. No art stores around, and Michael's SUCKS. I think there would be a market for it!" and then I saw one. So I shut up about it.
"Some day, I'd like to buy land." Considering there's no WAY I could even afford RENT on half the places wround town right now, as I am in a sucky job, and doing it poorly, I don't think we'll be moving into a mansion in the hills anytime soon. Shut up again.

That's actually the point. I've ended up HERE. I wasted so much time being a victim. I wasted so much energy getting back up and still not moving because I was afraid AFTER being a victim, that now that life is evening out and I'm getting some good movement, most of the gas has been used.

Now when I look @ life, I just kinda shrug and say I KNOW how this is gonna turn out ( kinda like this: http://www.pvponline.com/archive.php3?archive=20050203 ).

I usually can sum it up as "I'm being as N as I can when I'm a very small box."

When it comes to this, I know I've made good progress. Not GREAT, but hey, not so bad either.I am pretty far off from where I would be if I had any goals, or that kinda cutthroat ambition you see in humanity today.

I need ambition. I need to make a goal beyond a month or so. I need to have said goal succeed.Something tangible on both sides of the issue- I have to MAKE it something that is real, and it has to give something back to me beyond "feeling good". Because that's a cop out. And when it comes to a real goal, trying ISN'T all, in my book. Yes, it does matter in the long run to say "well, we tried.", and mean it- however in the longer run, it means more to try and succeed.
Sunday, May 30th, 2004
12:16 pm
how do I....
So I want to go through and delete all my LJ entries and start anew, only I don't want to have to get a new screen name and go through the bother of writing down all my friends' names and stuff. Is there a way to delete entries that doesn't involve going through and deleting each one individually? I was toying with the idea of "deleting" my journal and then...surprise!...opening one up again with the same screen name but I think I might have to wait thirty days if I do it that way and I'll still have to write down my friends list and communities and stuff.

Is there a fast and painless way to do this?
Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
1:07 am
Private Problems
Okay. As you know, I don't use private entries. Part of this is because if I'm comfortable sharing something, I'm usually willing to share it with everyone. I'm not a man who likes to have his own secrets, though I keep others' secrets quite nicely. However, I do have many secrets. Some are so complex or embarrassing that they deserve to be kept secret. Others, however, are sometimes things as stupid as my own feelings.

I think it's almost funny how I've changed over time. When I was a young child, I was very friendly and smart, but I tried to act too smart. As a result, I absolutely hated to be shown up or to be made a fool of. Unfortunately, trying to act smarter than you are will lead to being made a fool of quite a bit, and although I was more intelligent than my playmates, I didn't know my own limits. Eventually I just stopped talking to almost everyone.

Since then, I've made somewhat of a recovery. I'm still afraid to open my mouth sometimes for fear of sounding like a fool (which seems to happen way too much for the amount of times I do open my mouth) and I'm a horrible conversationalist because of my utter lack of practice. But now I'm not afraid to talk to many people about many things.

However, my feelings still remain an issue. I think that part of the problem is that I hold my felings in such high regard that I'm afraid to look foolish because of them. It's as if I can't risk being made a fool of over my emotions, and even if I don't look foolish, if the situation I was in could have been interpreted as me being foolish, I will continue to be embarrassed by it.

As a result, I tend to stop talking to people I'm angry with. I tend to let people who I somewhat like dominate the conversations. People I really like are the only ones I can open up with... unless one happens to be a female that I have a crush on. In that case, I can still open up, but just not on that topic. Why?

I keep seeing this worst-case scenario in my head, and on the rare occasions where I manage to get the words out just the same, I seem to create a self-fulfilling prophecy by interpreting the following rejection as a foolish mistake, and then I feel incredibly embarrassed by it. Because of this, I go to great lengths not to let anyone "special" find out these deeper feelings I have, and that frequently includes not telling a lot of other people. (And because of this, anyone who gives away a secret I withhold will not like me for much longer.)

Why am I so ashamed of my own feelings that I'm scared of looking foolish over them??

Current Mood: indescribable
Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
4:09 am
Can't sleep until 4am. Sometimes I don't sleep at all. When I do sleep, I sleep forever. Help?
Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
3:17 pm
I have to join some email discussion groups for my Exploring the Internet Class (yes, I KNOW this sounds stupid but the class is REQUIRED)

Does anyone know of a few groups that are kind of fun to join?
I like writing, reading, and the American Legion.
Or if any of you guys subscribe to any and you think they're nifty I'd appreciate it.

Tuesday, February 17th, 2004
3:52 pm
Is it worth it to try and keep a friendship when the person you are working on gets offended by every third word you say?

Is it worth is to fix YOURSELF?
Or should you assume it's their problem.

On one hand I feel that even if I can't keep a friendship with this person I should stick it out because learning to be as non-offensive and generic as possible could help me as I am a business major.

On the other I kind of want to chuck the whole deal because if you can't speak freely with your friends, who can you speak freely with.

Thoughts? Personal stories? I don't want to lose a friend but I'm starting to feel I may have to because she's driving me crazy.
Sunday, February 15th, 2004
1:48 pm
I hope random uncontrollable laughter isn't a sign that I'm losing my sanity. Is it?

Current Mood: hahahaHAHAHahaha
Monday, February 9th, 2004
1:12 pm
It's been a long time since I've seen this group...
Well, okie.
I got the "I'm not good with people" thing, and have been working on it a lot. I have been doing well, but this weekend I had a big group and had a minor panic attack and for some reason it WOULDN'T stop for half an hour. All I know now is that one of the questions I've raised is "Long Term Friends- how to KEEP them?" as basically I chart things like that.

The noted points thru my progress is that I find it easy to "unwrite" my existance, as if a person never even knew me. I also can torque someone to make them feel justified emotionally in walking away.

Well, better notes before query: I've really been working hard on it. I even stopped dissecting myself so brutally once in a while. I've had GREAT support, and have even had a few successes here and there in the past year or so. I've learned a LOT, and it's kinda getting fun. DIFFERENT, but fun.

So the only query I really have to ask I guess is "What do I replace that with that's healthy and balanced?" (I'm big on balance, and this is an area I have been rubbed fairly raw in within the past 10 years, after I had at one time attained balance)

Current Mood: curious
Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
1:26 pm
too sweet!

Now why is it that no one else has ever thought of this? Instead of allowing yourself to be swallowed by the herd, instead you seduce them. I like this, might need to start a trend here.

Think it would do any good?

Current Mood: giggly
Saturday, January 10th, 2004
2:13 pm
I don't get it
Why is it that it's barely even the 3rd week of January and already advertising has started for Valentine's Day?

Current Mood: confused
Thursday, January 8th, 2004
12:41 pm
Hypothetically curious
I might be but I might not be.

Whether you believe in me or not, I was just wondering...maybe...if you were going to sell your soul for something, what might that something be?

fine print:
Multiple answers acceptable, nothing you respond with will be official or automatically contracted. Feel free and safe to get back to me as you will.

Current Mood: bouncy
Monday, January 5th, 2004
8:08 pm
I'm debating breast implants. I've been researching and they're coming out with some very safe silicone implants that are much more natural looking than saline----and much safer than their 80s predacessors.

I'm not doing this for a boy. I'm doing this because of work (I'm trying to get some modelling jobs) and because hell, I work hard, and I think that if I can budget for it, I can afford/deserve it.

Any thoughts? I'm looking for both pros and cons. Thanks.
Thursday, December 25th, 2003
12:49 am
i like to be here when i can
ok...so, i was on trazodon for a few weeks. that made me more depressed than ever. i am still on 40 mgs prozac (i've come to find the two don't mix well), and 750 mgs depakote. now my shrink took me off trazodon and put me on zyprexa. does anyone have any info on this? just from personal experience and the like? most appreciative for the help.

Current Mood: curious
Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
12:23 pm
Depression and anxiety
I have both depression and anxiety. Whenever I'm stressed, I get panicky and depressed. I am so tired of being depressed. I'm on meds, and they take the edge off, but I'm still not the person I used to be. I've become more sensitive, and the need to retreat from any situation is stronger. I just can't deal with anything anymore. I know that when things build up you're supposed to tackle one small piece at a time, but I can't even get myself to do that. I avoid things all together in the hopes it will take care of itself. I'm just so tired. Tired mentally. Tired of fighting. Tired of dealing with everything. Just tired. I've been seeing the same therapist for over a year now, but every single time I go in there, everything is just wonderful. My mind goes completely blank when I try to recall anything I'm dealing with. Any suggestions?

Current Mood: blank
Friday, December 5th, 2003
2:46 pm
just wondering...
i have this thought - question - what have you - in my head. i have to take meds for depression and stuff like that. now even when i don't take them - i dream. i dream all the time. however, i have noticed that when i don't take the meds - i can remember the dreams in perfect detail. however, when i do take them - i remember almost close to nothing.
can anyone give me a clue as to why this is?

Current Mood: awake
Saturday, November 22nd, 2003
1:38 am
just wondering....
ok. i've asked about meditation and got such a great response and many wonderful ideas. thanks everyone. here's one on relaxation.
any ideas, thoughts, comments, suggestions?
i strongly feel that the two may be combined - but doesn't one need to learn relaxation skills in order to meditate?
thanks in advance...

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
1:36 am
just wondering....
does anyone know what it means when a person keeps dreaming of the ocean and whales?
thanks in advance for whatever answers i get.

Current Mood: contemplative
Saturday, November 1st, 2003
2:16 am
good stuff, maynard
In the long of time,
You will success also
If you take it
Slow by slow
--- jo jo proverb

Current Mood: accomplished
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